The definitive Jewish mother song.
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Starring Tovah Feldshuh
Featuring Rachel Bloom
Written by Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger and Jack Dolgen
Directed by Steven Tsuchida
“Where’s the Bathroom”
WHERE’S THE BATHROOM! WHERE’S THE BATHROOM!
I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM
TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE A BATHROOM
IN THIS HOVEL YOU CALL HOME.
I DON’T KNOW WHICH WAS BUMPIER
THE PLANE RIDE OR THE TAXI
ALL THESE FREEWAYS ARE A NIGHTMARE
WHERE’S MY PURSE, I NEED MY COMB.
BY THE WAY, YOU’RE LOOKING HEALTHY
AND BY HEALTHY I MEAN CHUNKY
I DON’T MEAN THAT AS AN INSULT
I’M JUST STATING IT AS FACT
I SEE YOUR ECZEMA IS BACK.
ARE YOU USING THE LOTION THAT I SENT YOU?
IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA USE IT
I’LL RETURN IT TO THE STORE.
GOD, I GIVE YOU EVERYTHING
AND STILL YOU JUST WANT MORE MORE MORE
MORE MORE.
WHERE’S THE BATHROOM, WHERE’S THE BATHROOM
YOU HAVEN’T TOLD ME WHERE YOUR BATHROOM IS!
MOM, IT’S UPSTAIRS
OK, FINE, I NEED THE WALK.
WELL, YOUR HOUSE IS OY YOY YOY CHARMING
THOUGH SOME FLORALS WOULDN’T KILL YOU
DO YOU EVER GET A MAID HERE?
IT’S SO NICE TO SIT AND TALK.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE
A VENDETTA AGAINST VASES?
AND WHEN DID YOU STOP WEARING MAKEUP?
ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU’RE NOT GAY?
I’D STILL LOVE YOU IF YOU WERE GAY
IT WOULD EXPLAIN THIS VASE VENDETTA
PLEASE JUST TELL ME IF YOU’RE GAY.
AGAIN, I’M NOT GAY
DON’T INTERRUPT ME, YOU’RE ALWAYS WITH THE TALKING
I JUST GOT OFF A PLANE, GIVE ME A MOMENT TO CATCH MY BREATH
IT’S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO
SINCE YOU LIVED INSIDE ME FOR NINE MONTHS
AND YOU STILL HAVEN’T TOLD ME
WHERE THE HELL YOUR STUPID BATHROOM IS!!!!
I SAID IT’S UPSTAIRS
OH RIGHT, THANK YOU
YOU CALL THAT A BATHROOM
THAT’S WHAT PASSES FOR A BATHROOM?
THERE WERE NO BOWLS OF ROCKS OR ANY DECORATIVE SOAPS–
YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A BATH MAT
WHO DOESN’T HAVE A BATH MAT?
IF YOU NEED A BATH MAT I CAN– OH, DID YOU HEAR –
A BISHOP IN WISCONSIN SAID SOMETHING ANTI-SEMITIC
SO THE TEMPLE HAS DECIDED TO BOYCOTT CHEDDAR CHEESE–
EVERYONE ASKS HOW YOU’RE DOING
“HOW IS LITTLE BECKY?” “IS SHE STILL A BIG SHOT LAWYER?”
AND TO THAT I JUST SAY “PLEASE.”
YOU WON’T GET A HUSBAND THIS WAY–
AT LEAST YOU HAVE YOUR CAREER
OH WAIT, YOU THREW OUT YOUR CAREER
TO CHASE THIS CALIFORNIA DREAM
I WASTED ALL THAT DOUGH ON HARVARD AND YALE
FOR YOU TO BE LIVING IN A DUMPIN NOWHERE, USA–
GETTING FATTER BY THE MINUTE ON THIS GREASY GOYISH FOOD
JUST PUT MY LUGGAGE IN MY ROOM
COULD I GET A GLASS OF WATER, I’LL BE BACK IN A MOMENT
I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM AGAIN!
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